I gained 1.8 pounds. But that’s ok. Not an excuse, but a dose of reality: My starting weight was taken after I had a GI bug which prevented me from eating very much for a few days. So… I was being generous with myself when I clocked in at 190 pounds.
OK, so I wrote before that I was going to start Weight Watchers again and everything was going to get back to working for my body! The weight loss would magically start to happen and I’d be in pre-babies shape again in no time!
Guess what. That was bullshit. It didn’t work because I just didn’t want to stick to it.
My biggest success with weight loss and exercise came when someone told me what to eat all day every day and I worked out five times a week. That’s the program I was on before I got pregnant and stayed on in a modified capacity once the twins were on board. I did really well with it. My pregnancy was actually super healthy and I was working out two to three times a week up until the last moment. I ate well and really only gained baby weight, not much extra.
It was something to the effect of your children losing it, throwing tantrums, as soon as they get home or back with you is a sign that you’ve created a safe where they feel safe to be themselves. To feel all their feelings. To let go.
I try to hold onto that as much as I can. Almost every day when the boys come home — whether I pick them up or Daniel does — they go into meltdown mode. It’s so hard to see through the tantrums to the beautiful, generally happy children they are. But I try to tell myself that it’s because they had to hold it together all day at school and they just need to release that tension.
When the boys were babies, I’m talking bottle-phase, they had reflux. All. The. Time. But it was never really “vomit” in the traditional sense. That was the aspect of parenting young children that I knew would be one of my biggest challenges.
You see, I’ve always been a person that has an easy gag reflex. Just hearing someone else gagging or puking is enough to put me over the edge. Of the toilet. So I knew that when the day came that I would have to handle vomiting children (yay! twins! twice the puke!), I would face a mighty test.
When they were about 1 year old, they had a short stint of stomach upset that happened to coincide with me already experiencing the same illness. So I was already praying to the porcelain goddess. So not really a test.
Life has changed so drastically since the boys were born.
Well, there’s a certain amount of change you expect. You can never really prepare for it if you’ve never had children. But you know your world is going to be turned upside down. And maybe spun all the way around a few times.
But our story — my story — is a bit different. We’ve been through so much, even in just the past year. I can’t talk about all of it, but it involves loss of a job, learning more than I ever wanted to know about government assistance (WIC! Food Stamps! Medicaid!), loss of my dad, and finding our way out of such brutal hell.
If it sounds like I’m being dramatic, well, I am. Because it was. We were fighting for our lives. For our home. For our children to never be aware of what all was going on. And through it all, I lost myself. Now that we seem to be on the upswing, it’s time to get real about getting back to the person I want to be.
Not the person who weighs as much as she did when going into labor with two large-for-gestational-age babies. Not the person who is so ashamed of who she’s become — physically, mentally, emotionally — that she can’t even look herself in the mirror. So ashamed that I’ve stopped writing, stopped trying to connect, stopped engaging.
It’s time for another change.
I used to have a goal of writing every day. That shit is just too lofty for me. So, dear reader(s?), it is my goal to write a little something every week. Whether it’s about my new adventures as a veterinary technician assistant, my journey to lose like 50 pounds, or the eight flies I’ve killed in the course of 10 minutes (stupid yard work letting flies follow me into the house) … it’ll be something.
I honestly really can’t wait to take the boys to Walt Disney World. It’s not in the foreseeable future, but it’s definitely on my mind.
Daniel and I love going so much. It will be wonderful to see it all again through the eyes of Lucas and Henry. We haven’t done really any character visits or meals in our times going, but that would definitely be on the list of things to do with the boys. And wit how much they love animals, I know they’d love doing the safari ride in Animal Kingdom.
But I haven’t really put much thought into. Obviously.
Well, we don’t exactly “travel” in the long-distance sense, so I can’t really help you there. But to get from point A to point B around town, I have to say I’m probably really lucky to just have some seriously easy-going kids.
It doesn’t really matter what time of day it is, I have getting them into the down to a science. And now that they walk, it’s even easier (because they haven’t figure out that they can run out of the yard and into the street like crazy babies yet).
The longest we spend actually in the car is maybe an hour, during which time they usually fall asleep. Or entertain themselves with their shoes, sunglasses or car seat harness strap covers.
Beyond that it’s just making sure there are enough diapers and wipes in the bag, toss in some easy snacks like puffs or Teddy Grahams or fruit cups, and grab a bottle of water.
Now, we are hoping to take the whole family to Colorado in November for the much-anticipated wedding of Daniel’s best friend and my Salty Sea Dog, James. His lady, Mallory, is pretty amazing, too. I just haven’t found the perfect nickname for her yet…